The Good News and the Bad News

Well, the good news is that the first Colts preseason game is less than three weeks away.  The bad news is that the first Colts preseason game is still almost three weeks away.  That being said, I am soooo ready for the Horseshoe to dominate my existence.  My life seems to have so much more purpose during Colt's season.  Sorry wife, daughters, pets, friends and of course, not lastly, my job.  Even when the team isn’t doing their best, I still seem to have a little more pep in my step and generally just a better outlook.  Is it the game, the comradery, copious amounts of alcohol, who’s to say.  All I know is, that it is almost Colt's football baby.

During the season, Saturdays are my prep days.  I have already figured out what I wanted to do food-wise for the tailgate, so it is off to the market and the cook-o-rama.  Well in the off-season I seem to lack focus, or so says my wife.  Speaking of my beautiful wife Gina, she has been constantly on me to smoke more bacon.  No, I am not making bacon blunts, I am smoking bacon on my smoker.  If you haven’t tried it, you are definitely missing out.  Takes meat candy to a whole new level and that ain’t no joke.  My sweet bride took it upon herself to buy a small truckload of bacon and then proceed to ask me any time I go into the backyard, “Are you going to smoke that bacon?”  So, after several days of badgering, I acquiesced and decided I would smoke the bacon on Saturday.

Saturday arrived so I got up and prepared my smoker.  That sounded a lot more fun than going to see Deadpool and Wolverine with a group of buddies and drinking beer all day.  Yuck, why would anyone want to do that?  Prep was done and smoker was getting up to 225 to smoke the delicious meat candy.  Got the pounds of pork on the smoker and decided it was a good opportunity to catch up with Patrick and Acosta on The Sick Podcast Anvil Show and see what I missed.  These dudes are on it.  If you haven’t, you need to.  Got my mind and soul into a football mood and was ready to take on the rest of my day.  Or so I thought.

While I was finishing up the poundage of pork my blushing bride came outside and queried, “Were you going to cook the steak we bought too?”  Blank me!  We had purchased some thinly sliced ribeye from Costco that she wanted me to cook for tacos, sandwiches, snacks etcetera.  Well, I guess my rainy-day project for the following day was going to be pushed up on the schedule.  Yay!

I had been marinating the steak and had fully intended on doing it at another time, but apparently the universe was going to implode if I didn’t do it right now.  I finished up the bacon and scrapped the smoker as best as I could.  I had taken the marinated meat, laid it out on grates and teased it with Meat Church’s Blanco seasoning.  If you haven’t tried it, you need to.  I threw the three racks of steak on the smoker at the aforementioned 225 and monitored the temperature.  Once it hit 115-120 degrees, I pulled it off of the smoker and cranked the smoker up to 500 degrees to do a quick charring on the steak.  I went back into the house and since I had accomplished so much already, it was beer time.  Again, yay!  I chatted with my eldest for a bit.  We discussed seeing Deadpool and Wolverine later in the evening and I informed her any schedule changes need to be approved by the Secretary of War, a.k.a. Gina.  I finished my test beer, got another and thought it was probably about time to throw the steak back on because it had probably reached temperature.  I made my way to the beautiful French doors that led out to my deck and looked outside.  I jokingly said to my daughter, “Huh, it looks like the backyards on fire.

The Good News

• ·      Lessons were learned
• ·      I survived (obviously since I wrote this)
• ·      Scars are just tattoos with cooler stories
• ·      Hair, eyebrows and skin grow back
• ·      I did not burn the house down
• ·      The last two episodes of The Sick Podcast/Anvil Show were fire
• ·      The steak was not in the smoker as it blazed
• ·      My smoker easily hit 500 degrees

The Bad News

• ·      The flash point of bacon grease is 500 degrees
• ·      Face, hand, arms, eyebrows and hair got toasty, and not the good way
• ·      Going to have to replace a lot of internal parts in my smoker
• ·      Burnt hair and skin smells terrible

I had looked out back and my smoker was engulfed in…well…engulfed in smoke.  I thought, damn that’s a lot of smoke rolling out of that thing.  My beer and I casually walked over to the smoker and noticed the digital readout saying it was 510 degrees.  Cool.  Time to put the steak back on for a few minutes to char it up.  I grabbed the handle of my trusty Pit Boss Pro Series smoker and opened it.  As I did, flames engulfed the smoker and shot out at me.  Hey dumbass, fire loves oxygen and I just gave my smoker a heavy dose of it.  Thank the Lord that as my daughters would say, I still have Dad reflexes and was able to jump out the way and slam the lid back down with my grill tongs.  As soon as I did that, flames shot out of the chimney and out of the grease trap.  Note to self.  Bacon grease has a flash point of 500 degrees, and I just scientifically proved it to anyone doubting me.  Fortunately, I have several firefighter friends who have educated me on how to not be as big of a dumbass as I could possibly be.  I disconnected the smoker from its power source and ran inside for the extinguisher to put out the grease fire.  Coving the flames in chemical retardant seemed to slow the carnage so I could manage it.  Not the way I wanted to spend my Saturday.

Okay, okay, okay.  I now know it was pretty damn stupid to crank up the fire in my smoker to 500 degrees just after smoking a platoon of pork on it.  Lesson learned, and I survived.  The house is fine.  Me and the smoker not so much.  As the saying goes, what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.  Who’s really to blame here?  Pit Boss for not putting a warning label on their product that clearly states, “BACON GREASE WILL CATCH FIRE AT 500 DEGREES DUMBASS?  Or me for not cleaning out the smoker after the bacon and before the steak?  I am going to lay blame squarely on the NFL.  Had those thoughtless bureaucrats in the NFL just started the preseason three weeks earlier I’d still have my eyebrows, my scalp, the hair and skin on my arms and face and I wouldn’t be treated to this terrible burnt flesh and hair smell.  Thanks NFL this is all your fault. 

Now bring on the season!

So sayeth the Meanie